This might help me start blogging again...

I am pregnant!!! Even just typing the words still seems a little unreal. I know it's true, three pregnancy tests, unexplainable degrees of tiredness, waves of nausea and then a little heartbeat on a sonogram, but even still there are moments it still hits like a ton of bricks. What I am going to be a mom ???? The due date is May 27th. It is such a blessing of timing...I got pregnant before turning 30 (by two weeks), I will not be showing by Brian's wedding in November, I will have the baby before Kristen leaves for college next September, and I won't have to be huge during a Dallas summer!!

Being pregnant is an overnight invitation to becoming less selfish, being more mindful of others, and feeling very humbled. One day I was just me and then after a three minute waiting period I was responsible for someone else. This bit is still a little overwhelming but I have grasped it best by just saying, "Thank you, God!" I can't figure this thing out, I can't know what is going to happen, I can't judge, expect or plan every bit of my life anymore the same way. I don't know what happened exactly - it just did. My heart is so much more thankful, so much more tender, and I love everything I have more than ever. The crappy thing is I am too tired a lot of time to express this anymore than to just feel it in my heart. I have peace, I have hope, I have so much adoration for Jerod, and I tremble in joy and wonder at the future because I know it will be so abundant in God's blessings and plan!

Weekend rundown...

This weekend:

-was fun

-was relaxing

-was spent outside as much as possible

-I got my first sunburn for '08 - not proud of this necessarily except it means I did what I wanted to do this weekend and spent it all outside.

-Jerod and I watched a great movie: Dan in Real Life

-I planted tomato plants - Jerod and I love tomatoes...so we are really hoping to have our own this year along with jalepeno peppers and basil...(I will let you knwo how they all grow) acutally I need to take a picture of this and you can obsess over every mm of growth with me over the summer.

-we worked out on Sunday - we have discoverd working out on Sunday is key to us being successful about consistently working out through the week - if we start like that we feel obligated/challenged/driven (I don't know what word best fits here) to stay "good" all week with daily activity and eating well. Something about not wanting to mess up what we have started.

- I got my very own sander to work on furniture now anytime I want - yippee...Meet my sander:

- I painted the patio furniture apple red...love it and will show it off tomorrow when I remember to take a picture.

- heard a great reminder on Sunday at church...Richard was speaking about the importance of speaking the Truth and listening only to Truth. But the verse I was left to really dwell on - was Luke 6:45 "A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." The challenge this week is for me to really try to take in Truth daily and to try to feed my heart what it needs rather than what my mind and daily circumstances tries to feed it when I myself starve it. It will be fed one way or the other, it is just a matter of how careful I am to feed it the right thing.

With all that I was sad to start today b/c I didn't want to leave weekend mode but at the same time I was relaxed and well set up to encouter the week...hope you all had a great weekend too!

One day/moment at a time...

It is funny to me how when you are floating along in life, with feelings of unsatisfaction and not for sure of your next step - you can talk and write endlessly. My hiatus from words over the past couple of weeks symbolize a recognition in my life of some areas I really need to submit to God and some dreams I need to start living for me. Putting these things into words is a little scary to me and thus, I have declined over the last couple of weeks. I don't want to jinx myself, I don't want to play my typical game of overachieving and setting my own bar too high so that there is no way I could ever be successful and let's be honest do I really want to be accountable to words spoken out loud. I am trying to teach myself to live today for today. I am working on my anxiety and to turn my gifts of foresight and planning back into a good trait rather than a suffocating one for myself and those around me. I have starved myself of happiness in trying to be responsible for the world and in trying to make everything always make sense. (Setting yourself up for impossible goals will never lead to a good place) I have found ways to manage my stress which have actually only ended up creating new stresses and problems for me to deal with so again one day at a time. That's it .. .I can't say anymore - it becomes to big and I can't fix it all at once...one day at a time. Each moment for each moment.

The most exciting updates from the last few weeks are these...

1) I got my hair cut short (about 8 inches off)...this was in response to things not having to make sense...I have been wanting to for a while now, but I couldn't justify it from every angle..so I hadn't done it, but Saturday I decided it didn't matter if it was the best decision - it is hair and if I didn't love it...it would grow back. I do love it though...

2) I am working on several "projects" - ok so my secret dream is to decorate and make things for homes...I love painting old furninture, I love making things, and decorating things, and making things look pretty. Moving into my house and painting and arranging and picking out furniture, fabrics, etc was the most wonderfully suprising joy in my life. I could do that everyday for anyone for free and be the happiest girl around. Evie and I dream of opening a store some day, selling restored furniture, stationary, and many many home furnishings. So because my head has been about to explode with ideas and things I "want" to do - I decided I needed to start doing them - you don't know if you can't have what you really want unless you to try to get it. So as baby steps I am starting a few projects...one is ever for someone else which is the most exciting thing. A woman from my church came over one night for dinner and saw a cabinet I had done and since then has requested for me to do a table for her. So I have actually been commissioned and I am giddy. So tonight is my first night to work on this and I will keep you updated.

3) I have a husband that I love going through crap with because there is nothing like getting on the other side of stuff and realizing how absolutely in love I am with him when it's easy, hard and all the stuff in between.

4) I have some of the best friends in the world who are always there and listen and ask and care...and I love having good friends.

And here are a few Easter pics way too late but my nieces are so cute they need to be posted...

So the lessone we learned...take group pictures before you hunt the easter eggs...this is the best picture of them together b/c they didn't want to sit there they wanted to go through their eggs...who can blame them - they got rings with lip gloss in the stone.

Jayci got so excited with every egg she found...the funny thing was she was barefoot and would not step in the mulch so she would just point until one of us would scoot it closer so she could reach them.

Ainsley loved the jeep...She may have loved it almost as much as Jerod loves it.

Tribute to spring...

I love the spring...I love the colors...the flowers...the warmer air - I love it all. It makes me happy.

Here is what I am looking at now--

I want to be a strong tree...

Jeremiah 17:5 thru 8
"Thus says the LORD, "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the LORD.
For he will be like a bush in the desert And will not see when prosperity comes, But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, A land of salt without inhabitant.
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD.
For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit. "

I am still pondering though...what does "whose trust is the Lord" mean?
I have recently realized how anxious of a person I am...I am constantly thinking not just daydreaming...scheming. This use to be a kind of witty and funny trait but over years of letting this trait go unchecked, it has become a type of vine that is slowly sucking the life out of my tree. Anxiety for me is worrying constantly in hopes that if I am always thinking it about a certain thing then surely I will eventually think a new response and it be the perfect solution to avoid trouble, have the most, or prevent something all together. Thinking about something to the point of ignoring other life giving and exciting topics ( that would be worth entertaining ) does not change a situation. An example - Thinking about our budget for the next week incessantly, doing the spreadsheet literally ten times a day will not change the amount of money I make - it's the same and completely unchangeable by me. The amount we owe on bills will not change if I retype them in over and over...BUT somehow I have told myself that by spending that much time OBSESSING I am being a more faithful steward of what we have...BULL...what we have is what we have and God would find me more faithful if I would follow the command "Do not be anxious..." rather than following the self created command "Worry, work it out and wait for it not to change". Satan traps us so well...he does not want me to feel like life is under control...God's control that is. he does not want me to realize that there is joy in not knowing everything. he does not want me to recognize God providing or God being true to His word and as long as I try to hold it all in the palm of my hands I cannot step back and realize that HE has it all under control and even happening exactly the way that HE knows it needs to.

So I want to be a tree...a person who trusts in the Lord, who stands strong and is unshaken by the storms, the trials, the things of life, but rather stands with confidence, with fruit (joy, peace, love, patience, etc.). Rooted enough that I will stand still rather than trying to run in circles all the time trying to fix everything or get everything all at once.
I want to throw my worry to the stream ... I want my anxiety to quit choking out the fruit in my life. Lord help me...

10 Things I am excited about right now...

1. This morning I woke up to a couple inches of snow - there is nothing like that to make your heart a little giddy. But truth be told by the time I left for work two hours later it was gone. I am glad I got up early this morning.

2. That joy comes in the morning... is true. Don't you get excited when scripture proves itself true in your life or when we are willing to let it be true in our life rather. Last night I went to bed and cried lots and lots, felt awful, and knew that the circumstances wouldn't necessasrily be different in the morning. But God is good and He reminded me this mroning in Psalms 135 that He tests our hearts and that this trying of hearts is required for refining and to be made righteous by Him. The peace of realizing your feelings are a part of God's process and not out own scheme against ourselves is joyful.

3. It is Friday and there are only six hours left in this work day!

4. Tonight we get to keep Luke and Zack for a sleepover. Luke and Zack are Alison's two wonderful boys ages 3 and almost 1. Talk about good practice. We are going to make pizzas and cookies tonight. Yum...

5. Tomorrow if weather permits I am going to Dallas Blooms and enjoy the first glimpses of spring oh and that makes me so happy. I love flowers!!!!!

6. Sunday is daylight savings. Which I won't be happy about when getting up an hour "early" but I will be happy about when at 6:30 that night it is still light outside. I love the freedom of being able to take a walk in the late evening. I feel like I gain hours to my day of functionality.

7. I painted my nails red last night - I don't know that I love the red...it make take a while to get use too but I love the fact that I took the time to paint them immediately after I had the thought "you should paint your nails."

8. Jerod and I have several good movies and recorded TiVo shows to watch this weekend - to name a few - Lost, Jericho, Michael Clayton, and I don't remember what else...

9. Thinking about getting to wear spring clothes soon...yes I know that I started with snow on #1, but getting dressed this morning I kept thinking how great it will be to wear skirts and to feel not so bulky all the time with layers and boots and all.

10. That at 5:30 I get to spend the next 62 hours with these two wonderful guys...

Belief: "80 to snow"

So let me start this post by telling you about Saturday...a beautiful day. I woke up that morning the way I love to wake up - on my own - no alarm. Made some coffee, sat for awhile working on my Beth Moore study, trying to entertain Harrison so that he wouldn't wake up Jerod - finally gave that up as I was starting to get my feelings hurt that he would rather be with his sleeping dad than his awake mom trying to feed him peanut butter. In efforts to erase the twinge of jealousy I decided it was because Jerod walks him and takes him outside - I am the comforter and he didn't want to be comforted at that moment. See another lesson from our dog child that will help us be good parents. :) Anyways - back to Saturday- the day rolled on as the sun grew hotter and hotter and we spent the day - all day - outside. The winter white skin appreciated it, my spirit loved it and the jeep was glad to be topless again. The season is changing...
Now this is what I really want to talk about! That night was spent trying to soak in every moment of the warmth because still at this point we don't know how long it will last before the teasing sun hides again for a few days and then reemerges as it formalizes into spring officially. With every season that changes, I am starting to have a deeper sense that this is a very spiritual thing. I think that it is God's sweet and gentle way of reminding us that time is passing. He is still there, and He asks us to look into our lives with an open mind and maybe ask some deep and hard questions. Have I been obedient to the steps He has been bidding me to take? Have I loved as He has asked me to love? Have I grown in the last season of life? what does God want to plant in this next season to see bloom?

Ok ... so then last night it snows! What ? ?!!? I know - but I have to say that we were sitting out on the front door step watching the beauty fall and I had a moment where God spoke...He needed to remind me as these seasons are changing that nothing is impossible with Him. He can make the sun beams turn to the most beautiful snowflakes in hours. He can make all things white and new when exposed to the light.

I have been in a really long season (years) of knowing God. I have learned so much about Him. I have been excited and encouraged and I have testimony to His work in my life. I know Him well. BUT I want to be free to Believe Him!!! Not Believe in Him, but Believe HIM. Please hear the difference. I have been going through a Beth Moore study and we finished our last week last night. See God isn't quiet - He speaks in lots of ways all at once I think when He really wants us to hear. And as I have been preparing over the last few days for this night I have had a depressing spirit set in...as I realized that once again I had increased my knowledge without letting it change my belief in a way that actually starts to have power and affect on my life in action. Not that life with God is determined by work and deed but what is knowledge without being changed and affected by what you are learning. God teaches and reveals so that we may become more like His Son and live free...I am starting to feel my knowledge enslave me as I continue to deny it any more life than what it posses in my head.

For now that is all...I needed to use this place as a point of motivation for myself. I needed to write it and say it outside of my head so that I can move forward.