Jeremiah 17:5 thru 8 "Thus says the LORD, "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the LORD. For he will be like a bush in the desert And will not see when prosperity comes, But will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, A land of salt without inhabitant. Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit. "
I am still pondering though...what does "whose trust is the Lord" mean? I have recently realized how anxious of a person I am...I am constantly thinking not just daydreaming...scheming. This use to be a kind of witty and funny trait but over years of letting this trait go unchecked, it has become a type of vine that is slowly sucking the life out of my tree. Anxiety for me is worrying constantly in hopes that if I am always thinking it about a certain thing then surely I will eventually think a new response and it be the perfect solution to avoid trouble, have the most, or prevent something all together. Thinking about something to the point of ignoring other life giving and exciting topics ( that would be worth entertaining ) does not change a situation. An example - Thinking about our budget for the next week incessantly, doing the spreadsheet literally ten times a day will not change the amount of money I make - it's the same and completely unchangeable by me. The amount we owe on bills will not change if I retype them in over and over...BUT somehow I have told myself that by spending that much time OBSESSING I am being a more faithful steward of what we have...BULL...what we have is what we have and God would find me more faithful if I would follow the command "Do not be anxious..." rather than following the self created command "Worry, work it out and wait for it not to change". Satan traps us so well...he does not want me to feel like life is under control...God's control that is. he does not want me to realize that there is joy in not knowing everything. he does not want me to recognize God providing or God being true to His word and as long as I try to hold it all in the palm of my hands I cannot step back and realize that HE has it all under control and even happening exactly the way that HE knows it needs to.
So I want to be a tree...a person who trusts in the Lord, who stands strong and is unshaken by the storms, the trials, the things of life, but rather stands with confidence, with fruit (joy, peace, love, patience, etc.). Rooted enough that I will stand still rather than trying to run in circles all the time trying to fix everything or get everything all at once. I want to throw my worry to the stream ... I want my anxiety to quit choking out the fruit in my life. Lord help me...
1. This morning I woke up to a couple inches of snow - there is nothing like that to make your heart a little giddy. But truth be told by the time I left for work two hours later it was gone. I am glad I got up early this morning.
2. That joy comes in the morning... is true. Don't you get excited when scripture proves itself true in your life or when we are willing to let it be true in our life rather. Last night I went to bed and cried lots and lots, felt awful, and knew that the circumstances wouldn't necessasrily be different in the morning. But God is good and He reminded me this mroning in Psalms 135 that He tests our hearts and that this trying of hearts is required for refining and to be made righteous by Him. The peace of realizing your feelings are a part of God's process and not out own scheme against ourselves is joyful.
3. It is Friday and there are only six hours left in this work day!
4. Tonight we get to keep Luke and Zack for a sleepover. Luke and Zack are Alison's two wonderful boys ages 3 and almost 1. Talk about good practice. We are going to make pizzas and cookies tonight. Yum...
5. Tomorrow if weather permits I am going to Dallas Blooms and enjoy the first glimpses of spring oh and that makes me so happy. I love flowers!!!!!
6. Sunday is daylight savings. Which I won't be happy about when getting up an hour "early" but I will be happy about when at 6:30 that night it is still light outside. I love the freedom of being able to take a walk in the late evening. I feel like I gain hours to my day of functionality.
7. I painted my nails red last night - I don't know that I love the red...it make take a while to get use too but I love the fact that I took the time to paint them immediately after I had the thought "you should paint your nails."
8. Jerod and I have several good movies and recorded TiVo shows to watch this weekend - to name a few - Lost, Jericho, Michael Clayton, and I don't remember what else...
9. Thinking about getting to wear spring clothes soon...yes I know that I started with snow on #1, but getting dressed this morning I kept thinking how great it will be to wear skirts and to feel not so bulky all the time with layers and boots and all.
10. That at 5:30 I get to spend the next 62 hours with these two wonderful guys...
So let me start this post by telling you about Saturday...a beautiful day. I woke up that morning the way I love to wake up - on my own - no alarm. Made some coffee, sat for awhile working on my Beth Moore study, trying to entertain Harrison so that he wouldn't wake up Jerod - finally gave that up as I was starting to get my feelings hurt that he would rather be with his sleeping dad than his awake mom trying to feed him peanut butter. In efforts to erase the twinge of jealousy I decided it was because Jerod walks him and takes him outside - I am the comforter and he didn't want to be comforted at that moment. See another lesson from our dog child that will help us be good parents. :) Anyways - back to Saturday- the day rolled on as the sun grew hotter and hotter and we spent the day - all day - outside. The winter white skin appreciated it, my spirit loved it and the jeep was glad to be topless again. The season is changing... Now this is what I really want to talk about! That night was spent trying to soak in every moment of the warmth because still at this point we don't know how long it will last before the teasing sun hides again for a few days and then reemerges as it formalizes into spring officially. With every season that changes, I am starting to have a deeper sense that this is a very spiritual thing. I think that it is God's sweet and gentle way of reminding us that time is passing. He is still there, and He asks us to look into our lives with an open mind and maybe ask some deep and hard questions. Have I been obedient to the steps He has been bidding me to take? Have I loved as He has asked me to love? Have I grown in the last season of life? what does God want to plant in this next season to see bloom?
Ok ... so then last night it snows! What ? ?!!? I know - but I have to say that we were sitting out on the front door step watching the beauty fall and I had a moment where God spoke...He needed to remind me as these seasons are changing that nothing is impossible with Him. He can make the sun beams turn to the most beautiful snowflakes in hours. He can make all things white and new when exposed to the light.
I have been in a really long season (years) of knowing God. I have learned so much about Him. I have been excited and encouraged and I have testimony to His work in my life. I know Him well. BUT I want to be free to Believe Him!!! Not Believe in Him, but Believe HIM. Please hear the difference. I have been going through a Beth Moore study and we finished our last week last night. See God isn't quiet - He speaks in lots of ways all at once I think when He really wants us to hear. And as I have been preparing over the last few days for this night I have had a depressing spirit set in...as I realized that once again I had increased my knowledge without letting it change my belief in a way that actually starts to have power and affect on my life in action. Not that life with God is determined by work and deed but what is knowledge without being changed and affected by what you are learning. God teaches and reveals so that we may become more like His Son and live free...I am starting to feel my knowledge enslave me as I continue to deny it any more life than what it posses in my head.
For now that is all...I needed to use this place as a point of motivation for myself. I needed to write it and say it outside of my head so that I can move forward.